The Great Golden Girls Game

Gather ’round, gather ’round! I am about to unveil a Golden Girls spectacular of thrills, chills, and excitement. It gives me great pleasure – nay, embarrassment – to introduce to you a game I have invented for those lonely nights when all you want to do is have a slice of cheesecake around a Miami wicker kitchen table with a few old broads.

Here is a game to help you rank and discover what truly is the GREATEST Golden Girls episode of all-time. Or you can make it a drinking game. Which is probably a lot more fun/dangerous. But I don’t know if I want Rose Nylund flashbacks the next morning with lipstick smears all over the screen, so it’s your call.

Here’s what you need to play:

• A love for Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, and Rose
• A few episodes of The Golden Girls ready to roll
• A pen and paper*
  (*you may substitute a box of wine if you do not own a pen and paper)

Now, start your engines and away we go! As you watch episodes, you’ll need to keep score of each episode’s happenings, and here’s how to do it.

The Great Golden Girls Game Scorecard!

Mark points on your scorecard for the following Golden Girls moments:

• (1 point) A late-night dessert is eaten in the kitchen while discussing a problem or date
• (2 bonus points) If that dessert is cheesecake
• (1 point) Every lover or group of lovers that Blanche mentions by name
• (5 points) If the girls scream in horror after discovering two people in bed together
• (2 points) Each time Sophia says, “Picture it….” followed by a location and year
• (3 points) Each time Rose mentions a St. Olaf resident (not her, Charlie, or their kids) by NAME
• (5 points) Each time Rose mentions a St. Olaf pet or livestock by NAME
• (1/2 point) Each time someone says “Shady Pines”
• (2 points) For every family member that comes to stay with the girls
• (1 bonus point) If the visitor is one of Blanche or Rose’s daughters, and the daughter acts like a total bitch
• (2 points) Every time Dorothy asks a guest to leave the house
• (3 points) Every time they have to call 911, or fear that Sophia’s dying “Maaa!!!”
• (1/2 point) Each time Sophia makes a farting joke
• (2 points) If Stan comes to the house
• (4 bonus points) If Stan brings the monkey cone with him
• (6 points) If any of the four girls sing or dance during the episode (limit one scoring per episode)
• (2 points) If Sophia talks about a Sicilian curse
• (4 bonus points) If we see Sophia put a curse on anyone!
• (1/2 point) Each time Dorothy is mocked for getting pregnant as a teen
• (4 points) If there’s a wedding (whether or not the bride backs out beforehand)
• (5 points) If “The Cheeseman” is mentioned
• (-3 points) If they help a wayward child/person in need
• (-1 point) For every celebrity cameo as him/herself (I’m looking at you, Sonny Bono!)
• (-1 points) If Carol, Barbara, Dr. Westin, or Dreyfus appear, in what is surely a sad, sad spinoff tie-in attempt
• (-1,000,000 points) If it’s a clip show!

I even generated a pretty scorecard, if you’re into that superficial Blanche beauty type of thing. I’m more of a Dorothy, so I’ll be scrawling my serial killer handwriting on the napkin my toaster waffle was just sitting on.

If you are strange enough to try out this scoring system (and you just know I am!), please be sure to enter the score for each episode in the comments, along with the episode title (or at least a recognizable description). Together, we CAN truly discover the GREATEST GOLDEN GIRLS EPISODE EVER!!