The New Double Decker Airplane Seats Must Not Happen

I’m sure you’ve seen this photo floating around Twitter and other social media lately–a petite woman grinning from inside an airplane seat compartment, which is nestled delicately under the ass of another airplane seat. This “double decker” or “chaise longue” concept has been floating around because the creator is flogging this deisgn all over Europe currently. This cannot happen. Do you hear me, people of the sky? We must not ever let this come to pass.

If you aren’t sure what I mean, allow me to present the many, many problems with this design:

1. Farts

Let’s just get this right out of the way. It’s a fart coffin. The seat is a freakin’ fart coffin! There isn’t enough plastic, steel, or cushion foam in the world to convince me to sit my face so close to a stranger’s ass. The air needn’t even escape their sphincter–you’d be so close you could taste the gaseous cloud brewing.

2. Weight Problem

The idea of fold-down seats probably seems very practical to the 21 year-old who designed this mess. No really, he’s 21. Except that he probably doesn’t have a wide ass. And moreover, he isn’t yet of the age when movie theater seats start becoming really uncomfortable on the back side about 90 minutes into the movie. It happens, kid.

Plus, even if my lovely tuchus is comfy and well-positioned in one of these seats normally, I would absolutely be the person assigned to the seat that is broken and can’t support my weight. Either I’d be sliding downward into the gross foot pit, or I’d have no seat at all.

3. The Foot Pit

Since we already brought up the foot pit, let us discuss how disgusting that area would be after just one flight. Airline crew members won’t be able to thoroughly check for trash and toenail clippings, and don’t forget that most planes don’t get a good interior deep cleaning more than once every 30 to 45 days. That’s a lot of old tissues crammed in there.

4. Height Problem

That cute CNN reporter in the green pantsuit, how tall do you think she is? I ask because I am no little sprite. I’m nearly 6 ft. tall in bare feet. So I’m guessing my legs won’t fully extend into the foot pit, but instead will need to maintain the standard knee bend that we have on normal flights. Okay. I mean, I’m choking on farts and staring at a 12 day-old used tissue in the corner, but I’m used to sore knees. EXCEPT…look how low to the ground all of the concept images are, including the prototype that Pantsuit is sitting in. My knees will be up to my tits.

And will the TV screens move? Because if not, nothing short of surgery will get my knees wedged under that device.

Now, let’s look at that top row. Can they recline? I bet they do, those assholes. I bet they do. I will absolutely have a 250-lb asshole reclined on top of my head.

5. The Top Row Has Its Woes, Too

Before I go back to the suffering masses that are the Cave People, we should acknowledge the top row problems. First of all, the amount of leg room looks just as shitty as current flight seating. So no added benefit, and what?…What is that right there on the back of their head rests? A HANDLE! So people can grab and yank at their head position any time they are getting up like goddamn bobblehead action.

6. Claustrophobia

Imagine being in that middle seat. Two strangers flank you, spreading their elbows like eagles’ wings. You look up, loosening your collar and gasping for fresh air, but above you is a reclined ceiling with the handle hovering over your head. There is no air. You can’t see flight crew. You can’t see the window. You’re trapped!

So you think you’ll get up and stretch, maybe use the bathroom. There’s no swooshing your ass past the faces or your rowmates on this plane, no sir. One of them is going to have to fully stand and move for your to escape. Both are sleeping already, and you wonder how you might crawl over their sedated corpses, but you aren’t a contortionist and you can’t free your legs enough to wedge your way to the bliss of the open aisle. Plus, it would absolutely look like sexual assault no matter what you do. That’s about when even the sanest person would start to lose their shit and have a plane-landing meltdown.

We can’t allow this, fellow skypeople. We can’t let them take away our carryon bag storage and stack us like chairs at a church recreation room. There ARE other options. Nicer options. Options that have been thought out by someone over the age of 30. And hopefully, some women.

Stand tall. And I mean that. Actually stand tall, with your knees positioned however you like, skypeople! Do not let this happen.