Back in ye olde days of the most recent Christmas season, I randomly had a calling, as if from some powerful ethereal force, to launch Stardew Valley and start a new farm, finally playing the game through ’til the end. Then praise be to the gods of mistletoe and cookies, I discovered that by sheer chance, I was loading the game mere hours after ConcernedApe announced the release of Stardew Valley 1.5 update. There was a new farm layout, new characters, animals, secrets, puzzles. It was glorious, and my giddy, evil smile glinted in the blinking colorful tree lights.
So it began. My lockdown playthrough of one of Stardew Valley 1.5. Less than three months later, my quest is complete and now I am proud to share with you the fruits of my labor. So much toil, so much starfruit wine, so many crystalariums, and so many neighbors dripping with rabbits’ feet.
Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to introduce you to a farmer name Clyde and her little corner of the world:
Welcome to Tipsy Chicken Farm
Our hostess is Farmer Clyde, who is surprisingly happily married to Shane. I know, who knew?
Inside the House
Here is their beautiful homestead, carefully decorated by Clyde. (Just pay no mind to Shane’s game room. Clyde keeps moving plants in there, but the smell remains.) The main part of the home features three whole refrigerators, loads of lounging space, and a butterfly hutch that seems to not be sealed properly (Shane’s looking into it). Try not to look at the sinister totem directly. At the end of a long day of making the chickens tipsy, there is the bedroom for a peaceful rest, a good book, and a pina colada by the fire.
While the first floor is comfortable and inviting–though Clyde does not care for visitors, to tell the truth–it is the second floor where the home truly shines. Upstairs is the indoor swimming pool, which due to the proximity of the woodland library next-door, had to be specially paneled so as not to jeopardize the books. Clyde really should have thought through that design better, but it’s done. Next to the tranquil forest of books is the Movie Room, featuring the hottest of film posters and plenty of snacks.
Once a new day dawns, Clyde ventures out on to the wild farm and its many amenities. Let’s first take a look at the farmyard.
Tipsy Chicken Farm is proud to care for all varieties of wildlife, all of which are very hungry and prone to cranky spells.
First, let’s meet our smallest residents. We have three bunnies named Ginseng, Vlad, and Doris. The ducks are named Gummi Bear and Dr. Feathers. And as for our chickens? Our standard chicken is named Beetlejuice, our void chicken is Twizzler, our blue chicken is Brunhilda, and our golden chicken is Blanche. Now, we can’t forget our little dinosaur (dinosaur??), Cinnamon. Their home is lovely, but let me tell you, does that rug smell bad!
Over at the barn, we have four cows: Nostradomus, Popcorn, Gallileo, and Frito. There are three pigs: Cheddar, Gargamel, and Gallowglass. Our three sheep are Fluffy Butt, Phyllis, and Mona. Lastly, we have our gorgeous goat, Freya.
If the smell of the farmyard isn’t enchanting to you, head on over to our luxurious beach. Sure, Ginger Island is more secluded, but farmers can’t always get away for the weekend, you know?
When the air turns crisp and the bananas have rotted off the trees, you can find serenity over at the apple orchard for all of your cider and apple pie needs. Unless Clyde has harvested them all for her signature Apple Wine (available at our farm shop for $14.99!)
The barns, orchards, greenhouse, and beach lounge are but small facets of this bountiful farm. What some people may refer to as merely “sheds”, Farmer Clyde transformed into a series of special magical buildings:
First up is Clyde’s office and workshop (private access only, not available for viewing during farm tours). This is Clyde’s workspace for storage, crafting, business calls, ore refining, garbage transmutation, and whatnot. When Shane snores too much, sometimes Clyde even falls asleep with her face on the design table.
Next, we are proud to introduce you to the Tipsy Chicken Winery, producing the finest fruit wines this side of Ginger Island. Enjoy discount bottles of blueberry, pineapple, strawberry, and apple wines. We’ve reached out to Moira Rose to be our spokesperson, but haven’t heard back yet. Our reserve batches made with Crystal Fruit and Starfruit are aged to perfection, first in our climate-controlled shed, then in our haunted cellar. You can almost taste the poltergeist in each bottle.
We now will take a look at the farm’s Crystalarium, for all of your diamond harvesting needs. Each cycle yields 133 diamonds! This includes a single outdoor Crystalarium that signals when a new batch is ready. (Please be advised that high security measures are in place. The horse is armed.)
Next is the Rainbow Treasure Room, generating a variety of surprise treasures everyday along with a daily iridium ore and prismatic shard. These magical statues celebrate wealth and perfection–nay, TRUE perfection. Or it’s a cat cult and Clyde’s been harvesting a lot of stolen goods. Either way, we don’t ask questions.
Let’s now venture over to our Very Fine Aquarium, featuring magnificent specimens from the waters of Stardew Valley and Ginger Island. It’s just plain hypnotizing to watch them swim around, blissful in their captivity.
A variety of fishing ponds are also situated around the aquarium for a simulated fishing-like experience. Be sure to say hello to the ponds of blue discus, spook fish, lava eels, super cucumbers, stonefish, sturgeon, ice pips, and rainbow trout. Early risers can spy Farmer Clyde harvesting a wealth of treasures and eggs from the ponds every morning (though how the fish pop out those geodes is a bit beyond scientific explanation at this time; we’re looking into it).
Feeling inspired by the riches and bounty of the farm, be sure to pop by The Tipsy Chicken General Store, featuring the farm’s best cheeses, baked goods, wine, fabrics, and more. Don’t worry, now, none of the farm-fresh goods in the store compete with Pierre (even though he’s a moody little bastard with a bloodlust for rabbits’ feet). We also have an ample supply of souvenir chicken statues, in case you and your entire town each need one.
For a more upscale take on the Stardew experience, please visit our Museum D’Art, showcasing the best Stardew Valley cultural masterpieces. Featuring artwork by Leah, a breathtaking rendering of Krobus out of iridium, and a certain statue that a certain pissy Mayor probably wishes wasn’t on display. But maybe he shouldn’t have kept the feud between him and Clyde so lively. He has it comin’.
If the farm tour has your stomach a-growling, stop in to Chez Tipsy Chicken for a fine dining experience. Enjoy the best cuisine our Chef Clyde has to offer. The shrimp cocktail is to die for. Reservations recommended. No Lewises allowed.
Or, there’s the Tipsy Chicken Pizzeria, for those days when you just want to grab a slice and a brew. Salads, fresh bread, pasta, meatballs, and cookies also available. Every order comes with a free side of anchovies, because Clyde kept fishing the little buggers out of the ocean and doesn’t care for them herself.
If you’re feeling a little nostalgic for town festivals, it’s worth your time to also visit the Christmas Wonderland, open all year long to bring the yuletide spirit to those of purest heart. Truthfully, it was set up one Feast of the Winter Star years ago, and Clyde just hasn’t gotten around to taking any of it down.
And, of course, no farm and miniature village would be complete without a Throne Room for the Farm Dictator, Queen Clyde.
She presides with thoughtfulness and mercy, usually. Pledge fealty to her and you might just avoid a sentence in the Slime Hutch. Don’t touch the dragon tooth (we think it might be possessed).
Every good farmer, vintner, and dictator sometimes needs a vacation. Clyde was thrilled to pick up a nice piece of property over on Ginger Island. It was a real fixer-upper to start, but now it’s a small slice of paradise. The extensive garden patches are reserved for Qi’s damnable fruit, aside from a few pineapples and blueberries (for cocktail garnish).
The indoors is about anything other than productivity. This is the place to kick back and hide from the Stardew Villagers who are over at the resort overpaying for sunscreen and beach towels. Especially Lewis.
(Don’t forget I mentioned spoilers)
Building up a farm such as this took many, many hours of toil. In total, it took Clyde eleven years to not only make a profitable farm and travel destination, but also to please a certain Mr. Qi and his bizarre needs for batteries, prismatic shards, stinky disappearing fruits, and–most of all–golden walnuts. She slayed the strangest of beasts, gambled, danced, spiked the Luau soup, rode her beloved horse, Dionysus, all over creation, and went on a few “trips” with a couple of girlfriends in town.
Plus, she fell in love with Shane, got married, started a new business on a faraway island.
The end of it all is bittersweet, now that Clyde is hanging up her pitchfork and crown for a little while, but she’ll always have the best memories of Stardew Valley.
I’ll miss the gang a lot…until next time.
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